Home to an empty apartment. Lying awake at night, looking over at the glow of my phone’s clock in bedside mode. Rhyme :3 A quick smirk, a few blinks and it’s already 6AM.
Pause. I guess sleep does have a curfew eh?
► Play. Rhymes close enuff. As is being in a sanctuary amongst many; this time in the middle of a tall soy chai latte double pump no water; the cup is half full indeed a perfect time to resume the thoughts eagerly waiting to be shared.
Just which thoughts to share? other than the ease of finding a new lifetime favourite in a matter of seconds.
Signed in and
threefive unfinished drafts later I pondered just which thought I’ve been meaning to get over with. Yeah get over with.
Right off the bat.
It certainly has been a lovely visit to Singlehood. A feeling quite divine I didn’t even realize I’ve been squatting in a studio a partment within the Singlehood built of clean slates of solid white. It was odd. Quickly viewing the building outside it’s fences you can see there’s so many small holes that need to be filled. But life was too busy to stay stagnant to even think too much of it. Already, it’s been so long since I’ve been here that signing the contract to legally move in the building was the plan of action. Perfect timing eh? With many taking vacations on the Relation Ships, or moving out to the Ittment Commplex, or even better- the lucky ones happily settling into their newly built duplex homes in the Marri Age eState.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss life at sea. It was always a new experience sailing every time I was ready for a vacay. New people, new bonds, and the feeling of love that fills your lungs, taken in every moment was surely what life was about. Even when it rained outside; knowing you weren’t alone to wait out the storm was a feeling absolutely decadent because the storm would eventually pass and the scene of the rainbow painted in the clouds was worth a little motion-sickness.
I guess that’s why I loved my old beach house. Probably too much for my own good. Can you blame me though? It was
a lifestylesomewhere I knew all too well. I mean the waters were always in my sights. There was even a joy to just watch the ships stroll by because whenever I wanted to, I’d hop right on and sail, how ever far away no question. Even saw the Ittment Commplexes in my sights sometimes yet there’s a secret as to how to get through it. I’d love to uncover it, and for a while I was so close I thought for sure I’d get through to it but it just wasn’t meant to be? oh well.
…Can’t say I’ve always had the best vacations on the ships. Experiencing a few shipwrecks haven’t been much fun. Pretty dangerous actually. Note: always do your research. Some cruises bring you to some beautiful sites; sites people can only dream of. And some claim to promise an all expense paid trip which ends up taking you for all that you have- leaving you stranded in the middle of nowhere. If you’re unsure from the get-go, scared to even board- there’s no harm in testing the waters.
I gotta say:
I would’ve never learned how to swim and tread water if I never took the risk.
I needed a change from it all.
I was terrified of the anchor pulling me to the marina of Singlehood. A place I’ve only heard about and seen pictures of. I was scared out of my wits no matter how much I pretended I knew where I was going. To be honest it didn’t take long to already have second thoughts about where I was. I notice this a partment that had such an inviting radiance I couldn’t help but want to look inside. One problem: How would I get in? Someone happily in a rush was nice enough to let me in the a partment on their way out. I guess they thought I already lived here. A few floors up and I figured there’s no harm to walk onto a floor. A door was was left open. Perhaps someone was in a hurry to move out. Maybe the person who let me in? Who knows. I walk into a small, plain, and what I thought had too many window panels I just couldn’t understand. Although, it was undeniable there was a lot of potential here. I looked out one of the windows, ugh surrounded by too much busIness, where the thought of having so much to do on my own was unbeara… And then it hit me. All of it would be my own. Standing still wondering where I wanted to go to next. And then I look to my left- a full sized luggage bag and two carry-ons; it wasn’t all my things from the old beach house but it was enough to start over so why not just stay put for once…
…and that was how long ago? Still living in the studio a partment happily basking in the richness of black hard-wood floors, Tiffany blue painted walls with the matching white trimming of course; shelves of books and moleskins filled with written-in stories, and windows blanketed by custom-patterned white curtains. I hung them all by myself and in a sigh of achievement I had to see what they looked like from the outside. Windows I used to wonder about every time hmm…
Standing outside looking for my home and that very moment I chuckle. For I realized instantly these holes that I never minded, were the gaps of my own world that have been blanketed by the essence that makes them mine.
This a partment. Even thoughts of veering too far away from too many times; I didn’t. Kept going, personalizing my world bit by bit. Still, there’s a little bit left to finish, I mean c’mon now: I’m not made of money. To finish a home on my own, I’m just getting started.
I head back in- It’s getting dark outside. Curled up comfortably on the seat of the bay window, I could see the stars sparkle ever so clearly that it was unnecessary of me to even bring my telescope. The world down below may be a sight for sore eyes, but up above was a view full of promise and beauty. It’s not perfect but I’d like to think I’m well on my way to piece together enough of a life to live in my own perfection.
There are so many things to smile about. I can’t pick just one to talk about, so I’ll just smile for them all.
How do you know when to let your guard down? How do you know when to stop being a guarded bitch and actually let someone in?
You shouldn’t have a guard. You should have a filter. There’s a huge difference, and I promise, it’s a much better way to live.
A guard is a fear-based defense mechanism that you put up and take down over and over again to protect yourself from your own vulnerability in intimate relationships. It’s an exhausting exercise that can weigh down your soul.
A filter isn’t fear-based. You don’t have to put it up or take it down. It’s a permanent part of you that requires a certain amount of inner strength and a well-defined set of personal standards, but it allows you to embrace your vulnerability.
The real trick is accepting the fact that a certain amount of emotional pain is inevitable. Sometimes relationships are gonna hurt, and there’s no getting around it. People who keep their guards up are living in fear of that emotional pain. When they let their guards down, they’re just living in denial of its inevitability.
People with filters accept the inevitability of emotional pain, but they have the self-discipline to mitigate chaos and negativity by either processing it, or cutting it off at the source.
I’m in an open marriage with a man who only respects logic. I don’t like it when he goes and has playtime with his partner when we have the kids. I’ve asked him to save it for when the kids are with their bio mom, but he refuses. I’ve said that the sentiment applies to me, too. He says I’m being emotional and not asking him in a way that makes sense, so he’s going to keep doing it. He’s right, though; I *am* emotional. I also think that it’s not an unreasonable request. What should I do?
Your husband is being a jerk. He doesn’t respect logic, not really. He’s just found a way to convince you that your emotions are invalid whenever there’s conflict in your relationship. Well, guess what? Logic is not the opposite of emotion, and being emotional does not mean you’re being irrational.
In any open relationship, both partners get to set ground rules. You’re not trying to set a double standard, nor are you being unreasonable. The kids are more important than your open marriage, plain and simple. The bottom line is that neither of you should get to put playtime over parenting.
Don’t let him fool you with his line that you’re “not asking in a way that makes sense.” It makes perfect sense. He just doesn’t like restrictions being placed on his playtime, and he’s reacting like a spoiled brat.
Don’t put up with his selfish behavior, not for one more second.
What do you say when somebody tells you they’re a part-time model?
Just smile and nod. The world is full of average people eager to display their manufactured identities. It’s best to allow them their minor delusions.
Why are they hovering over me like that? I bet they’re looking up my nose.
Are these glasses tinted so I don’t notice that the suction tube is sucking up saliva AND blood?
Good thing this room has windows. Hey, that cloud looks like a cotton ball.
What did she just ask me? I didn’t hear… oh well; “Unnhhnnhhh!”
OH LAWD THEY’RE SCRAPING INTO MY GUMS!
Did she just cut me?!
Don’t gag… don’t gag…
Now I have to do one of those awkward open mouth swallows.
She’s probably thinking about how awful my teeth have gotten since my last visit.
I should’ve put more Chapstick on beforehand..
What is the meaning of life? o_O
This suction tube is drying up this one spot in my mouth, and saliva is pooling everywhere else.
Oh good, she’s moving it. AHH Y U POKE ME LIKE THAT :’(
Man, I can’t wait until they give me a cup of water to rinse my mouth out.
I wonder how many chunks of scraped off gum I’ll spit out. I’d also like to inspect how red the water is after I use it to rinse.
Must avoid eye contact *dentist shifts positions* OH GOODNESS. LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!
I’d rather close my eyes and try to nap but they’d probably think I’m weird.
Hey, if I shift my mouth a little, the suction tube makes different noises hehe.
“Here is the fluoride to rinse.” Supposed to rinse for 60 seconds…
… What if they think I’m taking too long D:
Ahhh, finally finished :)
“Okay, I’ll just clean your sister’s teeth now and then Dr. Joy will continue with you after, okay?”
It’s true what they say: you know you’re getting old when you don’t enjoy your youth. (or some sort of variation of that)
The simplicity of enjoying a playground was truly nostalgic. Pavement blanketed by chalk, drowning in the playground oceans*tehee* being the one person without a fitting swing; no worries- there was always the Leviathan >:) and no one could ever forget about hanging upside down on the monkey bars till all the blood finally rushed to your head to trigger the sense of urgency that maybe it’s time to pull yourself back up…if you can hahah
Individual seesaws. WARNING: to people who can so happen to fit their feet but not their butt in those things; you’re practically sitting in a death trap.
Slide races, pretend rockwalls, titanic cinematic moments; Even a sandpit deemed worthy for future dreams of a tractor pilot.
Playground silliness is All a part of a sense of youth that I hope everyone has experienced. And if not, as long as you’re alive it’s never too late to experience something so essential - Nothing tops a marina, a library, a playground, a Starbucks, a garden with an open field, a bridge overlooking still waters with a rockway to rest and inspire a weary mind, and hopes for new memories; leSigh*
Port Credit. I hope we will meet again soon.
Noun: The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way
And that’s exactly what Monday was.
Fact of life: When plans cancel, new plans arise almost instantaneously with or without knowing.
Scene: Gloomy rain-filled skies, a serene atmosphere sweeping across a dimly lit Starbucks on what seemed to be a typical early Monday evening.
Upon coming across the uploaded snippet cover of Bobana and I, I leaned into my speakers in the absence of my earphones. The guy sitting next to me kindly offers to let me use his for a moment as I let him listen to the song. From there I met Manish, truly a character of the sort as we sparked up a conversation that one never usually plans like a pleasant drive to somewhere new. It’s amazing to meet people who you would never think to have such similar tastes such as having a love for languages, architecture, spirituality, and a thirst for inspiration not found anywhere near inside the box. Soon after Gilbert is introduced in the play.
Gilbert. That reminds me of that one cartoon Gilbert. You mean Dilbert? Yeah chuckle* That’s what i meant.
As the two continued to collaborate ideas, I couldn’t help but eavesdrop on their conversation. Graphic Novels. Another found love I have, although my investment into it has been lacking :t The two notice me listening, yet strangers as they were they were delighted to include me into their world as I was happily accepting their invitation. These men were talented in what they do. Craftsmen I should say
I would die with a sketchbook in my hands.
Witnessing a sense of passion in the works between folk must’ve been what experiencing magic feels like. Another character joins, noticeably in the background catching a glimpse of Gil’s work as Manish, Ana and I converse about Neuro Linguistic Programming, Quantum Physics and String Theory. Who knew?!
Etiquette: Always include everyone in a conversation.
As Manish exists the scene, Ana and I try include Gil into a dialogue, who was buried so far deep into his work that a breath of fresh air wouldn’t do any harm. He tells tales of his life and his work in 4 other jobs besides the reason he was at Starbucks, because the cost of living is so high in mississauga.
And there was his cue. Demetrius enters into our Starbucks play.
You think the cost of living is so high, try living in Toronto.
From then on was a cluster of living areas (Ahem* loyal to my city), music rants (future post, I assure you), and revealing the fact that Gil is actually an artistic mastermind, and Demetrius fights lions in the Colosseum, opposite gender taboos in coffee shops, apologies to skype guests and soon meeting Nina, actually makes for a great build-up and climactic tipping point with laughter of twitter, tumblr and hugging faux pas.
Denouement. Farewells are never easy but with time I’m sure we’ll be back to reconvene again. Culture shock hit our new friends as hugs go all around as does having justice towards such ridiculousness hehe I joke. Manish finally found his way back to the group as he found his way to our hearts through hugs by teaching a hugologist:
The proper side of hugging is on the left side for that is where the hearts meet.
So much love for this post. Especially the end :)
Man, you’re totally making your way up my Tumblr crushes.
I guess at this very moment I look like a hypocrite, don’t I; you know, for always speaking poorly about getting into the tumblr scene and thought that twitter was enough. Plain and simply put: I miss blogging..so what to write for my first blog post? As I pondered this, the best thing to do at the time until writing was starting to find a theme: filtering out what I did and didn’t like, and then choosing what I thought suited me best. After much time and deliberation, I chose the perfect one for me. Not a theme with a fancy background; a theme that had the most exquisite font to emphasize my future thoughts, and just enough snap crackle and pop to use as my own…unfortunately, I realized how little I coding knowledge I retained from back in my LJ days that I could no longer comprehend such anarchy that was that theme.
*lesigh. It’s funny how something so minute as choosing a Tumblr theme relates to so much more. Settling. Story of my love life.
Initially we all go through the filter stage. Nobody these days just chooses the first person they see. Everyone has standards, and if not- they definitely should. Yes, there are some who catch your eye yet are followed by a “meeeeh” soon after. Then there are the ones who stand in a class of their own. Although, they’re either taken, expensive, or annoyingly complicated…and what do we do then? Settle.
Moreover, we’re either the ones being settled for, the ones settling for; either way someone always gets hurt. In the long run, I got to say: I’m glad to know I can look back and say I’ve experienced love at all. It may not have lasted but at least it happened. Furthermore, from what used to be, I’m proud to confess I’d rather take my time and compose myself before I embark upon a new era of a relationship again, To get to know someone fully and realize I need them and their very essence more than just wanting their presence.
I think I finally have a substantial amount of ideas awaiting to be painted beautifully on a blank canvas, but since i have neither; One day, I’ll have a Tumblr theme that I’ll look forward to write all my thoughts and feelings to. This is enough…for now.
Forgive my Tumblr etiquette. I Should’ve put a disclaimer in the beginning.
My girl <3
Insightful, wise, funny, quirky, and real.
^ I tried. But really, I can’t even begin to adequately describe how awesome this girl is. Find out for yourself.
Welcome to the Tumblrverse, Melshell =)
I would I could see what you see.
I was never good at this kind of thing.