Pros: Brings me back down to earth.
Pros: Brings me back down to earth.
Relationships are many things. They are complex, they are tiring, they are hurtful, they are beautiful, and they are constantly evolving. You begin to witness the growth of that love over time, and your relationship becomes just like a garden. You water it with nurture, you get rid of the weeds when it disrupts the beauty, and other times, you just enjoy it. For the most part, relationships are overwhelming. If the soil is not rich, then your garden cannot emerge. I spent time finding the perfect soil, because I wanted to create the perfect garden. I waited for a sunny season, then began the creation of my masterpiece. Everyday I looked out my window. At first, I was discouraged because nothing emerged from the soil. I stopped looking out my window everyday. Then, looking outside to search for the sun, something caught the corner of my eye. It was a color coming from my garden. Actually, there were a few. There was orange, red, yellow, green, and different shades of pink. I ran outside and stood in front of my rainbowed herbs, amazed that they had come to life. I touched them gently, and smiled with pride. I continued to water them, and tended to my garden so carefully. But the rain came down hard one night. I had every last bit of faith that my garden would survive, and I would be back to watering my plants the very next day. But the soil became mud, and I watched my flowers fight helplessly against the precipitation. I looked at my wilted garden. I thought about how beautiful it was for that short while. How proud it made me watching seeds turn into flowers. I reached for the soil. Dried out, it crumbled against my touch. I felt helpless. I wanted my garden back. I laid down new soil and planted the seeds. I waited, and waited. After seeing nothing day after day, week after week, I almost felt like giving up. Right when that thought crossed my mind, I looked out at my garden, it was more beautiful than ever. There were flowers I had never even seen before, with colors so vivid. It was a spectacle. I ran over to my plants, touching them gently, just like before. Feeling the same pride, the same sense of achievement. I stared in front of me, amazed at the scenery. I realized in that instant, that love is unexpected. And just because a garden is beautiful doesn’t mean it can withstand rain. Sometimes you need to do things over and over to get them right. The rain was a test. It challenged the beauty, and introduced strength to both me and my garden. My first garden was beautiful, but weak. Sometimes, love fails us. However, it is essential that we do not fail ourselves. The greatest lesson I had learned through all of this was, being helpless is a lot less dangerous than being hopeless. If I hadn’t had hope, I would have given up. If I had given up, I would have never been able to witness the true beauty of my garden, not so much the colors and flowers that had blossomed, but the ability to overcome every obstacle in creating it. More importantly, If I had given up, I would have failed to see that what was really blossoming wasn’t just flowers, but the relationship I had with myself.
I really missed my friends tonight.
We are what we believe.
We are what we practice.
We are our choices.
Even in dreams and memories of dreams are we so skilled in avoiding each other.
Bananas are such diverse fruit. So many different kinds.
You seem like someone who knows something about healthy anger. I just tapped into some serious rage over childhood sexual abuse in a therapy session. My therapist is wonderful and is proving to be a great guide through this, but I’d also love some advice from my favorite ass-kicker. How do you stay angry? I’ve realized that I never let myself be angry, and I don’t want to lose it now.
Healthy anger? There’s no such thing. Your goal should not be to stay angry. Your goal should be to let go of your anger.
Right now it’s still fresh. You’re expressing anger that’s been suppressed for a long time. It feels good because you’ve experienced a breakthrough. That’s the healthy part of this process, and that’s the part you don’t want to lose.
Processing anger is a wonderful thing, but only if it allows you to move on, because anger is poison. Knocking it loose isn’t enough. You have to flush it out of your system.
Allow yourself to feel all of the emotions you need to feel, but don’t try to hold on to them afterwards. Anger leads to acceptance and ultimately to forgiveness. That’s where you want to end up: Forgiveness, and not for your abuser’s sake. For yours.
He’s got a lot of women swooning. He can have any one of them, and he chooses a few. He’s open about this. I’m one of them and so is she. He’s good to me. Great, in fact. It’s magical. But she’s also a stunning woman, a beautiful person, and very hard to hate. He doesn’t hide anything and tells me everything I want to know, but the jealousy still makes me insane. Do I have to give up this relationship because I’m too much of a pansy to handle it?
By your description of this other woman, it sounds like you’re more than just jealous. You’re also envious. Those are two separate but easily confused emotions that you need to deal with differently.
You should combat jealousy with trust, and you should combat envy with contentment. Remember, jealousy focuses on something you’re afraid to lose. Envy focuses on something you want to gain.
Your jealousy is your fear of losing him, but your envy is also your desire to have what she has. When you say she’s “very hard to hate,” that’s your envy talking. Get rid of the envy, and you’ll suddenly find her “very easy to love” instead.
Most likely your single biggest problem is that you feel like every hour he spends with her is an hour he doesn’t spend with you, but you simply can’t allow yourself to think like that. An open relationship is not a zero-sum game. If you’re gonna share, you can’t do it begrudgingly.
You have to trust that he’s being completely open and honest with you, and you have to be content with the time you spend together. If you can’t, that’s OK. Don’t stay in the relationship if it’s making you miserable.
Making real friends meant the world to me. I really don’t know if everyone will be able to see that.
How does the balance tip between predicting an outcome from life experiences and considering the individuality of a situation?
No matter how crappy you feel right now, step outside the door.
No one will hire me. I’ve been applying for entry-level crappy barista and hostess jobs, and apparently no one thinks I’m competent enough to do a job a smart 6-year-old could do perfectly. Being a barista does not take skill. Smiling and showing people to a table does not require the degree that I’m in the middle of completing, yet no one wants me. Why?
You’re not getting hired because there are dozens of other people applying for the same jobs who are less of a bitch than you. Scoring an entry-level service industry gig isn’t about your competency. It’s about your attitude, and yours needs adjusting.
Drop the sense of entitlement. Employers can smell it on you before you walk in the door. One eye-roll within 50 feet of the interview, and you’ve already lost the job.
You’re not gonna get hired until you get humble, so get humble fast. Hell, you shouldn’t even have any pride to swallow. Show up shining, and be grateful just to be in the room.
If you’re not ready to hear me yet, that’s fine. Keep doing what you’re doing, because life has a way of beating this lesson into you eventually.
Do you believe all relationships between young people are bound to fail? I have been with my boyfriend for three years. He is my best friend and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. But we are only 17 and 18 and I will be going on to college soon (though it is less than two hours away and likely he will go to college there, too). Is this an irrational hope or could two teenagers grow up without growing apart?
You can certainly stay in each other’s lives, but that doesn’t mean you’ll stay a couple. Maybe you will. Odds are, you won’t. That’s okay, though. Just remember that your relationship isn’t a failure if you grow apart romantically.
You are first loves and childhood best friends. That will always count for something, even if the two of you eventually grow apart. Life is long, sweetheart. Five years from now your circumstances are going to be completely different. If your lives change together, that’s great. If not, that’s okay, too.
Yes, if you eventually break up it will be incredibly painful, but pain is inevitable. It’s all part of the journey.
Do you feel like it’s possible to live a happy life as a cynical person?
Sure. They say ignorance is bliss, but if you already know too much about the world, a healthy dose of cynicism (especially in the classical sense) actually helps with happiness.
Cynicism is basically just pragmatic skepticism. It’s not inherently negative, but it gets a bad rap because people often confuse it with the negative attitude that comes from ironic detachment. That’s not really cynicism. That’s just being an asshole.
Just don’t let any misanthropy get mixed in with your cynicism, and you’ll be fine.
To what extent should a partner’s romantic past matter in a relationship?
Only to the extent that either of you can’t leave it there.
What do you think about marrying your first love? Does everyone have to go through heartbreak?
Do what makes you happy, but you’re a fool if you think marrying your first love is any kind of protection against heartbreak.
Why do I hate you?
Because something about who you think I am is a threat to your identity.
According to one of my friends, wearing black to a wedding is breaking some sort of fashion law. But I already bought my dress.
Yeah, people don’t like being reminded of how similar weddings are to funerals.
You make it seem like all relationships inevitably end. Do they?
Do you think narcissism is necessary to be a good artist?
No, but narcissism is necessary to convince yourself that you are a good artist.
Am I a bitch for not breaking up with my boyfriend until I have enough money saved to get my own place? Or am I being smart? Right now I’m kinda bouncing between the two.
What you’re being is emotionally dishonest, which has very little to do with being a bitch or being smart.
I haven’t come out to my parents mainly because I vividly remember my mom telling me that she “likes gays, just not in our family.” Is it awful of me to put off telling them until after they pay for college?
If your parents would cut you off for coming out of the closet, then you should probably hold out for some therapy money too.
If you’re in an open relationship and start seeing someone else, should you tell them upon first meeting that there is someone else?
Tell them before you start to mislead them.
How can I get friends that like me and that I like?
Like yourself first.
If you have cancer, should you not date?
Do whatever the hell you want.
Why do I want every guy to fall in love with me, despite the fact I’m already in a relationship and in love?
Because you lived with your mother after your parents got divorced.
Is watching porn bad for you?
It’s fine. Just don’t let it get in the way of other things.
How do I take myself, my sexuality, and my desirability seriously enough to go out of my way to meet people expressly for the purpose of dating them?
You don’t have to take any of it seriously.
How weird is it for a 25 year-old to still sleep with a stuffed animal?
It must be nice not having any real problems in your life.
I never had to worry about biting my tongue with people before because I knew that, without a doubt in my mind, I would.